"We want to acknowledge the strength it takes to advocate so powerfully on behalf of your son"
The person who wrote this may never truly realise the impact their words had on me. I had asked for help, my body tense and constricted. My mind, full of doubt and sceptic thoughts such as 'Why would they help you?' 'You are just another case number'.
So when I saw these words across my screen, in a reply that came within 24 hours of my request, I cried. After many lonely nights, by my son's bed, trying to put on a brave face for him and everyone else, my armour somehow melted away in that moment because I felt seen.
And in that moment, I realised that there's something profound that happens when we acknowledge our own needs and also when we feel truly witnessed in our struggles. Not helped, not advised, not minimized—simply seen.
Why we struggle to see ourselves and each other
We are often taught about the importance of acknowledging wins/successes and celebrating these moments with others. But when we are in the midst of difficult experiences, our instinct might be to resist our pain. Many of us have been conditioned to 'soldier through' difficulties so this could look like pretending that everything is fine or getting caught up in the story of why it is happening. We also live in a world of 'attention deficit'. With a phone constantly tethered to our hand, we are masters at multitasking but servants to constant distraction. We scroll, swipe, attend to every ping, but rarely pause.
When we have to witness family members, friends or colleagues go through a painful experience, it can be equally upsetting. We might find ourselves avoiding that person (because we don't know what to say) or we might inadvertently minimise their pain by saying things like "At least you caught it early" or we might offer advice to try to fix their pain.
But more often than not, most of our need for acknowledgment doesn't come from these dramatic moments - it emerges in the ordinary transitions that quietly reshape our lives. Perhaps you've stepped into a leadership role and after being a top performer for years, you now lie awake questioning every decision while your peers look to you for answers you may not necessarily have.
Or you might be a new parent, who has just returned to the office after maternity leave, struggling with a range of emotions as you think about whether you've made the right decision to return to work. "Great you're back!" they say. Business as usual then!
Or perhaps you've recently moved to Dubai, to escape the rat-race back home only to find yourself in a similar position here. You start realising that external change can't always solve internal restlessness.
Acknowledgement as an anchor
The reality is that, in those moments, the most useful action you can offer yourself and others (which doesn't require any time, profound wisdom or a therapist) is turning towards whatever you are experiencing and simply naming what is present. We might say to ourselves 'I'm struggling right now and that's OK' or 'This is a big change and it's really hard'. And no, we aren't wallowing in our suffering or making it worse by doing this. We are simply loosening the tight grip we might have wrapped around it. That tight grip comes in the form of self-judgement, blame, guilt, impostor syndrome or anger and this is what's probably causing us more pain than the experience itself!
Now if we are witnessing someone else go through a difficult transition or challenge, the most powerful way to connect with them is to give them our full attention. Instead of trying to fix/advise the new leader, we might say "Leadership feels quite different from performing doesn't it? How can I be of support?"
Instead of cheerily assuming that the new parent is ready for business as usual or assuming that they aren't, we could acknowledge their experience "Returning to work after having a baby can surface a lot of mixed feelings, what has it been like for you?"
And for the person who has relocated to Dubai, rather than offering things like "At least you've got sunshine and the beach all year round!" you could say "Moving somewhere fresh can be more complex than anticipated, how are you settling in?"
By acknowledging the experience and any emotions, we provide ourselves and others a sanctuary to loosen the armour we all carry in moments like these. Acknowledgement becomes the anchor that keeps us tethered to our shared humanity.
What science says about our need to be witnessed
Acknowledgement/recognition is the first action that needs to be taken when building resilience.
Dr Rachel Naomi Remen, in her work with cancer patients, discovered that when people feel truly witnessed in their experience, they often find resources they didn't know they had. Not because acknowledgment gives them new strengths, but because it creates the safety necessary for their existing strengths to emerge.
Neuroscientist Dr. Dan Siegel's research on "feeling felt" shows that when we feel truly understood by another, it activates the same neural circuits as those triggered by physical comfort. Our nervous system literally calms when we feel authentically seen. Siegel describes the mind as both embodied and relational. Our mental health is shaped by the quality of our relationships and it promotes healing, integration and a sense of belonging.
In my coaching practice, clients want to know the answers to these questions: Am I seen? Am I heard? Do my thoughts/feelings matter?
An invitation
A few questions for reflection:
- What and who needs to be acknowledged in your life right now?
- In what ways have you experienced acknowledgement in your life so far?
- What is one area in your life that could change with the act of acknowledgement?
"There is something wonderfully bold and liberating about saying yes to our entire imperfect and messy life." - Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance
