The Wardrobe You've Outgrown

While browsing through my wardrobe the other day, I realised a few things:

• Some pieces were still a good fit, but didn't feel like me anymore
• A few items reflected questionable choices
• Others simply belonged to an old story I return to when I can't decide what to wear.

And if you've read the children's classic 'The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe', you will know that a wardrobe is anything but ordinary! A wardrobe holds more than clothes. It acts as a container for memories and past identities. It also acts as a symbol of self-perception and self-expression. Our wardrobes evolve over the years and so does our identity.

In my work, I often hear clients holding questions around their identity during points of change/transition. There are those who acknowledge behaviours that served them well up to a point in their career, where they were seen as the 'fixer', the 'expert' or the person who 'gets things done'. These labels earned them recognition, but they no longer want to wear them because they realise their hidden cost.

There are others who look back at their career and question what they've been doing with their lives and why? They feel like they've wasted time focusing on the wrong things and behaving in ways that were not aligned with their values.

And then there are those who hold every intention to become the leader they want to be, but find themselves defaulting to old, familiar patterns under pressure, because it's easier.

The hidden cost of identity lag

When you continue to operate from an old version that no longer fits, you begin to experience a loss in confidence, you feel misunderstood and growth stifles. You notice that although you are the expert, you lack organisational influence and authority. Although you are great at solving problems, you rarely have a voice in preventing them. The gap between your intention and impact grows wider.

Feeling misaligned also has an emotional toll. You feel pressured to maintain a reputation you are trying to move away from. Your work no longer feels meaningful and there's a small part of you wishing you could just go back to how things used to be, when there was less expected from you. When we don't pay attention to what requires an internal renegotiation, the cost appears in the shape of anger, resentment, boredom and a gradual loss of energy and motivation.

The beliefs holding us back

In a 2025 Harvard Business Review article, executive coach and author Muriel Wilkins shared that the biggest limiting factor that holds leaders back are their own unproductive beliefs. She identifies 7 of the most common blockers:

1. 'I need to be involved' - a belief that you need to pour over every detail leading to micromanagement and becoming a bottleneck for decisions
2. 'I need it done now' - a belief that you need immediate results, creating a sense of false urgency
3. 'I know I'm right' - a belief that only you know the answers, leading to missed opportunities, a lack of collaboration and little innovation
4. 'I can't make a mistake' - a belief that your performance must be perfect, leading to indecision, procrastination and risk avoidance
5. 'If I can do it, so can you' - a belief that others' standards of performance must mirror yours to be acceptable, leading to unrealistic/unnecessary expectations and limiting growth/development
6. 'I can't say no' - a belief that you must always deliver, resulting in over-functioning, poor boundaries and burnout
7. 'I don't belong here' - a belief that you don't fit in where you are, resulting in self-sabotage, impacting your ability to communicate and influence

These beliefs influence your daily habits and decisions and just like a wardrobe full of outdated pieces, they clutter the space you need to grow.

The quiet shift needed

What I've noticed is that when clients recognise these limiting beliefs, they interpret them as evidence of falling short/falling behind, not good enough for the identity they're trying to step into. However, the real threat to future success is being too attached to the identity that made them successful in the first place. According to the paradox theory of change, the more you try to become someone else, the more resistance you create. Instead, the shift comes from awareness, acceptance and a broader sense of self. Identity shifts are non-linear and emotionally complex and constructed through external expectations as well as our inner interpretation of our experiences.

If you are noticing an identity lag, here are a few questions to reflect on:

1. What role or version of you are you still wearing that no longer fits in your life?
2. What beliefs have you inherited rather than chosen?
3. What are you protecting by holding onto this identity?
4. What strengths have stayed consistent through different chapters in your life?
5. What values seem to remain steady underneath the change?
6. What story about yourself are you finally outgrowing?
7. How would you behave differently to support the life/career you want?

Every identity shift begins the moment you stop reaching out for what no longer fits and instead, choose what feels more true.