"Who were you before you learned that you had to earn your worth?"
In my coaching practice, the topic of identity and self-worth often arises. Underneath all the striving and desire for achievement, success, recognition lies the question 'Am I good enough?' / Am I still good enough?'
Growing up, I didn't have the language for self-worth or self-esteem. During my upbringing in the 80s, there was a strong emphasis on discipline, obedience, accomplishments and being a 'good girl'. While these were well-intentioned, they were rooted in gender and cultural messages of that era and they subtly shaped the way I learned to evaluate myself.
Recently I stumbled upon the term 'high-value' woman/man and I was curious about what the world today considered 'high-value'. A quick Google search led me to the following: Self-respect and agency. Emotional maturity. Clear boundaries. Driven by purpose and integrity. Defined by consistent habits rather than status, income or appearance. Able to build healthy, respectful relationships.
These qualities are indeed valuable, but I questioned whether they can really be sustained without a foundation of self-worth. That's when I came across a podcast with Dr Rick Hanson who said 'it's really hard to take action on our behalf if we don't feel we are worth the results'.
Self-worth vs self-esteem
The distinction matters. In simple terms, self-esteem is driven by our thoughts, how we view our accomplishments and the extent to which we evaluate them favourably, relative to others. Self-worth, on the other hand, is more embodied, based on our emotional and sensory experiences. It's an internalised belief that we are valuable because of who we are, not because of what we do.
Living in a performative age with social media continuously feeding us curated images of what success and excellence looks like naturally affects our self-esteem. As a parent, this is a huge concern because our ideas of self-esteem and self-worth begin in childhood.
When is our sense of self-worth challenged?
Here are a few examples:
- When we have been overlooked for a promotion or a raise
- When we struggle to meet tight deadlines and feel like we are falling behind
- When we step into leadership requiring different behaviours to what we're used to
- When we feel undervalued/taken for granted at work or at home
- When we have a child struggling in school and we question our parenting
Interestingly, studies in social preservation theory have shown that it isn't necessarily the difficult task that stresses us, but the feeling that we are being judged/evaluated by others. Our brain processes social threats in the same way as physical ones.
Why do we sometimes struggle with self-worth?
In her talk 'The Authenticity Paradox', Herminia Ibarra explains that most of us carry a fixed sense of self, based on past behaviours and habits. When your self-worth is tied to a static, outdated version of your identity, it inhibits your growth.
Sub-personality theory supports this view: our identity is not singular, it is actually multi-faceted, comprising different, and at times, conflicting parts. For example, the confident/articulate version of you at work might become quieter when advocating for your needs at home. The part of you that leads with clarity at work might struggle to set boundaries with family.
Most of us also have an inner critic that quickly alerts us to what is wrong, planting seeds of doubt when we're trying something new and steering us back towards what's familiar, even when it no longer serves us.
How can we nurture a durable sense of self-worth?
Here are a few ideas (based on insights shared by Dr Rick Hanson & Forrest Hanson and Herminia Ibarra)
- Investigate the negative stories that your critical self offers you. What is the evidence that supports it and goes against it? Where did the story come from? How tightly are you holding on to this story? How is it working for you/against you?
- Write a letter to your younger self. Offer the nurture, unconditional positive regard and attention that may not have been available at the time.
- Act your way into new ways of thinking. Experiment with different possible selves and learn the context in which they thrive. Stay anchored to your values but flex your behaviour to the needs around you.
- Take in the good. Really pay attention and notice those moments where you feel valued or recognised. Soak in the sunshine.
- Be a compassionate observer of all of the above.
"You are not a problem to be solved" — Tara Brach
Self-worth isn't something we earn by fixing or performing. You haven't come this far to shrink yourself to a narrow idea of who you are supposed to be. I believe that the real work of adulthood is reflecting on who we are becoming through our knowledge and lived experiences and staying open to an evolving sense of self-worth.
